#3. Tasmanian Devil
The Tasmanian devil is nearly identical to the wolverine in pop culture: We know that they’re smallish mammals known for their viciousness and fury. And, once again, we see that they are substantially more wuvable than we’ve been led to believe — just look at that little guy! Is he wearing a wee cardigan? How precious! We’ll call him Trevor and pretend he enjoys tennis!
And then again, just like the wolverine, the Tasmanian devil has to go and ruin the snuggle-fest by opening its mouth and turning into the fucking Sarlacc.
But we’re not here to repeat ourselves. The devil isn’t here for its fighting ability; it’s here because it eats literally everything: It devours its kills whole, bones, fur and all. Here are some other things that have been found in Tasmanian devil poo: pencils, plastic, collars, tags of devoured pets, echidnas — spikes and all — and blue jeans. The only logical conclusion, on that last one, being that it either ate the pants off of one very terrified Tasmanite, or it ate everything but the shirt off of one very dead Tasmanite. Tasmanian devils even bite through metal traps, and not because they’re stuck in them. Just fucking because.
Some people keep Tasmanian devils on them at all times for occasions like this.
“What is this, some kind of steel blade? Looks delicious,” says the Tasmanian devil. “Don’t mind if I do.”
Once they do tuck in to a meal, they can eat anywhere between five percent to 40 percent of their body weight in one sitting, after which they are too bloated and tired to move, so they just go to sleep — with complete disregard for their surroundings. That is how few fucks the Tasmanian devil will give: If you’re standing there, helplessly watching while a Tasmanian devil eats your kid brother, it absolutely will not stop … until it’s full. Then it will lie down and take a nap immediately after, even with you still right there, screaming.
It might ask you to keep it down, but that is the extent of its concern with you.
#2. Cane Toad
In the study of animals, there’s something called Davian behavior, which is just the polite way Science says “animal necrophilia.” But this behavior is often a mistake — some dumb, horny animal not realizing that hot piece of tail is more lukewarm, and literally just a tail. The behavior is rarely ever habitual, and even more rarely intentional.
They have no boundaries
And then there’s the cane toad: Not only will they regularly have sex with dead bodies, but they’ll even make sweet love to corpses outside of their species. Not just different types of frog, mind you, but animals that in no way could ever be mistaken as a former cane toad: Snakes, lizards, small mammals — the cane toad is a firm believer in the “hole is a hole” attitude, and an even firmer believer in the “if there’s no hole, just make one with your boner” attitude. There has been at least one recorded attempt of a cane toad to mate with a long-deceased female that had been completely flattened by a car … for eight straight hours!
In conclusion, here’s a cane toad raping a dead salamander. You’re welcome.
#1. Honey Badger
Let’s do the wolverine-style breakdown again. Pictured above: Snuggles incarnate. We’d name him George Clooney and feed him a diet of peanut butter and hugs.
Now, murder from concentrate:
Oh, and hugging is a bad idea; they attack the testicles first. That’s just how the honey badger rolls. Here are other ways the honey badger rolls:
In that one, short video, you can see a honey badger chasing a leopard away and climbing a tree just to attack a cobra — presumably because it looked at him funny. But the perfect example of the honey badger’s inability to give one hot shit comes around 2:15 into the video: One particular honey badger got hungry, so he went to find a nice meal. Now, he could snuffle around in the dirt all night, looking for the safest food source, but that sounds hard, and it might take a while. So instead, he opts to piss all over the very concept of survival instincts, and just eats the first damn thing he comes across. Unfortunately, it happens to be a puff adder — one of the deadliest snakes in the world.
The badger stumbles across the snake midway through its own meal, so what’s a badger to do? Why, steal the food straight from the death-serpent’s jaws, of course, and then sit down to eat the snake’s stolen meal right in front of him, while he furiously spits and hisses. When the badger finishes the snake’s dinner, he’s still a bit peckish, so he walks right over to the still-furious snake and mauls it to death, sustaining multiple bites in the process. Ignoring the deadly poison coursing through his veins, the badger settles in and starts eating the puff adder. Tragically, a few minutes later, he collapses.
And so ends the story of this honey badger, who died as he lived, spitting in the face of mortalit- what’s that? He’s back up? Holy shit! Two hours pass, and the badger miraculously resurrects himself from apparent death! He’s been given a second chance at life! A second chance to …
Go right back and continue eating that snake.
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